Another Wave from You

Facebook is stupid. For someone in public relations/communications, I should be giving accolades to Facebook's immense networking abilities. But that's not what people use it for 80% of the time, especially at my age. I'm so sick of logging on and seeing ignorant rants and useless pictures of people doing what they think is interesting enough to capture someone's attention for two seconds on the Internet.

People with social problems, self-image issues and overloaded drama in their lives all tend to be avid Facebook users. Constantly 'muploading' their latest haircut, checking other people's photo albums, private messaging the hottest gossip. Where does that get you in life? Why - nowhere other than a few hours of wasted time and decreased intellectual function.

Somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember


But you didn't have to cut me off
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

I need shelter

What's a girl to do when she doesn't feel safe anywhere?

Everything haunts me. I don't know why, but my mind and body both want to run from everything around me. I have no idea why I've been lost and detached from my own joys of life...

Nothing seems to make me happy anymore. I force myself to laugh and enjoy my time but it gets hard. It gets hard to fake a smile all the time, to hide the pain and anxiety that sit inside me like a ton of weights.

Europe was refreshing. It was a nice cool breeze of air into a dusty room I called my life in Vancouver. In a way, it was a temporary relief from the very things that held me down. At the same time, I think it could have confused me even more: Where do I belong? What, with all this change of scenery, is there to keep me calm through this storm?

It was nice to find out today that I am not completely alone. My girlfriends can empathize with many of the things I experience and we can bond over that.

Commitments scare me.

what is the body if not a place where you store all anger and happiness and pain?

...........................

.

word.

Knock them down, dominoes

A little over three years ago, I was traveling around Europe. I was invited to hold piano recitals in various cities with a piano ensemble group that I was part of. As it was my first time walking on European grounds, I was thoroughly amused and amazed. I remember landing in Frankfurt and stepping out of the airport and seeing the German city at dusk. The feeling that I always get when I travel - the strange realization that I am miles away from home on a different point in the world map - wrapped around me.

I was young but I did my best to see and learn as much as I could. Three years later, I can look back and confidently say that I made the most of that trip. All the silly things, the crazy adventures, the wrongdoings I'll never forget - I don't regret any of them. For a month I moved around from city to city...each time I left behind one city, I continued on to the next without looking back. I was always on the road, visiting seven countries without a home base. That's what I liked the most of that trip - that I didn't have something holding me back or something to go back to. Each time I left something behind, it opened a door to someplace new.

It's quite bizarre how we all want some degree of stability and consistency in our lives. I mean, without it at all, life would just be one huge mess. Then there's some of us that avoid patterns, routines and the "return trips" back home.

Sometimes I just cringe over the fact that I'm not brave enough to continue onto new places. I get uneasy when I have to settle for something, and my mind is constantly searching for something different. My imagination always runs wild, yet I really haven't lived up to it. The conventional life paths that society carves for us - 12 years of education, 4 years of university, career and marriage, family and children - that's too boring. It's too predictable and makes too much sense. Or it makes no sense at all.

If I had it completely my way - without the social expectations and pressures - I probably would be playing the keyboard on a street corner in Prague or wandering around the beachside towns in Southeast Asia...tattoo sleeves and all. I'm jealous of the very few people I personally know, who have the audacity to just fuck it all and do whatever they feel like doing. Our days are limited after all, and I just see too much more misery and frustration than anything out of people that continuously live in the mainstream bubble.

I just miss the feeling that I carried with me that summer in 2008. It only lasted a month - then I sadly had to return to my own home base in Canada. But it never fully faded away; there's a little spark left within me that occasionally fuels the urge to relive that amazing experience again.